The New Cars: It's Alive!

I'm certain that former Cars members Ric Ocasek, Benjamin Orr, and David Robinson were spinning in their graves when they first heard this pseudo-reunion band. The fact that Ocasek and Robinson aren't even dead yet is a testament to how awful this album is -- and how intelligent they were for avoiding this stinker as if it were the rear end of a '74 Pinto.

It's Alive! is so bad that I'm not sure which aspect of awfulness to focus on. Should I look at Todd Rundgren's pitiful attempt to recreate the vocals of Ocasek and Orr? (He kinda sorta not-really pulls it off, except on "Drive, where he -- or maybe bassist Kasim Sulton -- sounds like an unshaven female impersonator.) Or do I look at Elliott Easton's shreddertastic guitar solos that reek of an insecure man who spent years standing in Ocasek's shadow? How about their need to record a "live" album at a private soundstage outside Los Angeles instead of on the road? Or maybe the generic 12-bar-blues of the newly composed "Not Tonight," with awe-inspiring lyrics like "So put me in your Blackberry / and I'll take your email."

So what's good about It's Alive!? Well, the only obvious thing is that it's very easy to spot which Cars songs (almost all of which were written by the absent Ocasek) haven't stood the test of time. "Candy-O," "You're All I've Got Tonight," and "Dangerous Type" are all songs that I remember liking, but they're relatively weak and their cracks really show in this context.

Music:
A more apt title would've been It's A Steaming Pile of Crap! The New Cars can't ruin pop gems like "Moving In Stereo" and "My Best Friend's Girl," but they have all the heart and soul of a cover band at a sports bar in Hagerstown. If you want to hear these songs, pick up one of the greatest hits collections from The Cars. I still feel cheated for the hour of my life The New Cars stole from me.

Packaging:
Completely generic, but competent. This is probably the edgiest thing that dodgy-jazz album cover designer Kurt Sievert has ever done.

Listen if you like: masochism; living in the past; attending high school reunions so you can mock people who live in the past.

If it were food, it'd be: those rotten leftovers in the back of your fridge that you brought home last year and then forgot about.

The Cars: Panorama

Listening to this reminds me of watching the clock during the last 10 minutes of a boring high school English class on a bright spring day. Tick... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Tock ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Tick ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

I needed a break after struggling through the first five songs. I ejected Panorama from the car stereo, and The Pretenders were playing on WTMD. It was a breath of fresh air. Chrissie Hynde's voice was rich, the production was clear, and the song was a pleasure to my ears. In other words, it was everything that Panorama is not.

Music:
If The Cars were trying to capture what was wrong with new wave, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Don't bother with this unless you're a fan of boring music, insipid lyrics, bad production, and a complete absence of hooks.

Packaging:
The cover art is okay, but they completely chintzed out on everything else.

Listen if you like: The unfocused stumblings of decent bands.

If it were food, it'd be: Something I'd never, ever eat again, like boiled steak or microwaved oranges.